EDC Documentary Selected for Sundance Film Festival
WHEN IM THE ONLY SINGLE ONE AMONG MY FRIENDS
Late night thoughts
Confusing is an understatement in this whole situation. But despite the confusion and all the uncertainty and unanswered questions, I cant get him off my mind. I look for him wherever I go. I think about him constantly. It just sucks that all this time I kept pushing him away, and when I finally admitted to myself my true feelings, he’s with someone else. I saw it coming, and I really have no one else to blame. Im not sure if theyre even really together, which is the main reason I still have hope, and that is beyond sketchy because Im most likely the one who’s gonna get hurt here. Wouldn’t it be nice if he was totally open with his feelings. Im not sure if he likes me like the way I like him now or not. He was always and will probably be the nicest guy I’ll ever hook up with. Candles? Check. Slow dancing and long goodbyes? Check. Me not getting the picture and my actions merely expressing that I only want sex? Yup. Check. I mean I could be reading the signs all wrong and he only is just a really nice guy but only wants sex too. Idk. But this whole situation is my fault in the first place. But now what do I do? What do I do if he texts me wanting to “hang out”? do I bring up his new girl? Do I go for it and try to take back the mistakes I made with him and get closer to him? I probably wont decide until the situation presents itself, which could be tonight or could be never. This is why I never let myself catch feelings with the guys I sleep with. This is the prime example of what could go wrong. It was so easy for so long to just act like nothing was there, and shit, I believed it for a while too. I know deep down that we’d be really good together. We really would. We would laugh and joke around and rave and cuddle and I can just honestly see myself being happy with him. Maybe that’s why I havnt found another guy in this town yet, because I always keep going back to him. Every time. I go to a party, some guy flirts with me, I don’t really process it anymore. I don’t like the idea of having to start from scratch and having to get to know someone new. I like what Im used to. There are no surprises. I know what to expect when I go to bed with him. I know what he likes and what he doesn’t like. But is that the same for me? Does he really even think about me when Im not around? Does he daydream about me in class or consider drunk calling me when he’s all alone? Part of me thinks yes, and the other part wants to say no because the second I know if he’s totally not interested anymore and is commited to this new bitch, I can start the process of moving on. But until then I still have this fucked up sense of hope that I cant shake off until I know. So until then, Im just left with my thoughts and daydreams, waiting for the day he calls.